Things

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 72 years old. It has been almost a year since he passed. Wow! I am just realizing that it's been that long. It has been a rough year and a beautiful year.




For my dad's birthday, I was given a gift. But I have to start way before the gift, so as to understand and appreciate the gift I got.



As I wrote about earlier, I have been experiencing the most wonderful "RE- awakening" in my spiritual life. I am a work in progress and the Holy Spirit is working hard in me to help. I am trying to learn what is "God's Will" in my life. I have figured out the big things that I needed to change and I have done that. It has not been easy, but I am doing it. Now, for all the "little" things- which I have found out- are the toughest ones to conquer. All the bad habits I have that are in the truest sense- BAD HABITS. And oh so hard to break! But I have been given so many "God Winks" in the past few weeks that I am finding myself more and more aware of when I am committing these "bad habits". (Oh- and I want to talk about "God Winks" later) I have found it easier to keep my senses in tact by keeping my rosary in my pocket. When I feel I am falling into the habit, somehow my hand finds it's way in my pocket and TA DA! My rosary. It's my little whisper in my ear from our own Blessed Mother reminding me to think before I speak. It is my own personal blood pressure medicine. I can just hold my rosary and feel myself calm down. My rosary that I carry is a gift from my dad that he made for me for Christmas two years ago. The beads are red ruby hearts (my birthstone). He had the crucifix engraved "To Karen, Love Dad". It is my most treasured gift from him. Anyway, back to God's will in my life. A couple of days ago, I was at work and going about my business that I always do and I'm sorry to say, the devil showed up to gossip about a co-worker. I am nosy by nature and it is one of the hardest habits of mine to break. So, what do I do? I fall into the devils trap. I have to know who, what, why, when etc... Well, in a nutshell, by the end of the conversation, I was convinced that my co-worker was out to sabotage me and my job. I became so angry, and that quick saw her in a completely different light. Previous to the devil showing up, I was so excited for my new co-worker and how great she was doing. But, the devil told me she was trying to out-do me. That she had ulterior motives and she was the new "all that" girl. I was not happy. My mood and disposition changed so fast and so strong in such a short time. I knew it was wrong to feel the way I was doing but I couldn't shake it off. The whole day at work was awful. I looked at everyone as if they all had some kind of secret, and I was being pushed out. I was miserable. I came home from work that day and continued by bad attitude even further. I came in the house to all three of the girls lying around in the living room and could see that they had not done any of their jobs that they are suppose to have done before I get home. So I commence to yelling. Didn't even say hello to them, just all out yelling about what they had not done all day. I went into my room and shut myself in. I was swallowed up in a bad bad mood. I started praying for God to please help me to get this nastiness out of me. I knew it was wrong and my bad mood was just made worse by the realization that I had let God down. I went from being in a bad mood to being totally depressed. I was so ashamed of how easy I went to the other side. I took a long hot bath and tried to relax. K.E. came to me and asked if she could spend the night with one of her friends, which of course- I said yes. I felt bad for being so tyrannical earlier. After relaxing and sitting down to my computer. I pulled up my Facebook and noticed several comments on K.E.’s status from people in my family. I pulled up her status and it went something like this.."life is full of too many disappointments..." or something like that. I saw where my brother and sister had posted on her wall some uplifting things to help get her out of her funk. I asked L.N. what was wrong with K. E., and she said that her boyfriend had broken up with her earlier today. My heart dropped. I am the most awful parent in the whole world. K.E. was going through this terrible thing today and the first thing I do is come in the door and scream at her. I picked up the phone and texted her how sorry I was and that I didn't know. I told her that if I had known, I would have held off on the grouchy fit for at least a couple of hours. She told me it was okay and that she was okay.



I went to bed that night with all this bad stuff on my heart. I picked up my old standards that stay stacked up next to my bad and on my nightstand. The first book I picked up was my C. S. Lewis book of meditations and readings. I opened the book and Jesus sat down and had a talk with me. The page I opened up to was "Pride" from "Mere Christianity" and my oh my was I jolted to what I was told. The following is from what I read:

"In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that—and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison —you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you"


That raises a terrible question. How is it that people who are quite obviously eaten up with Pride can say they believe in God and appear to themselves very religious? I am afraid it means they are worshiping an imaginary God. They theoretically admit themselves to be nothing in the presence of this phantom God, but are really all the time imagining how He approves of them and thinks them far better than ordinary people: that is , they pay a pennyworth of imaginary humility to Him and get out of it a pound’s worth of Pride towards their fellow-men. I suppose it was of those people Christ was thinking when He said that some would preach about Him and cast out devils in His name, only to be told at the end of the world that He had never known them. And any of us may at any moment be in this death-trap.


Luckily, we have a test. Whenever we find that our religious life is making us feel that we are good —above all, that we are better than someone else — I think we can be sure that we are being acted on, not by God, but by the devil. The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether.


(and here comes my gut punch)

"It is a terrible thing that the worst of all the vices can smuggle itself into the very centre of our religious life. But you can see why. The other, and less bad, vices come from the devil working on us through our animal nature. But this does not come through our animal nature. It comes directly from Hell. It is purely spiritual: consequently it is far more subtle and deadly. For the same reason, Pride can often be used to beat down the simpler vices. Teachers, in fact, often appeal to a boy’s Pride, or, as they call it, his self-respect, to make him behave decently: many a man has overcome cowardice, or lust, or ill-temper by learning to think that they are beneath his dignity – that is, by Pride. The devil laughs. He is perfectly content to see you becoming chase and brave and self-controlled provided, all the time, he is setting up in you the Dictatorship of Pride – just as he would be quite content to see your chilblains cured if he was allowed, in return to give you cancer. For Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense."

And there it is. Jesus Christ spoke to me as clearly as if he had sat down across the table from me to have a one on one. A gift of the Holy Spirit, a blessing had been given to me. UNDERSTANDING when I needed it on the day I needed it. I got it! I heard it!

I went to bed asking God to please forgive me and help lift all of this off of me. When I got up in the morning, there it still was- the dark cloud- still hanging over me. Even after God spoke to me last night. I felt even worse because I couldn't get myself out of all the darkness. All morning, while working, I continued praying. If only I could put this all at the foot of the cross and leave it there. I sat at my desk wishing I knew of a 24 hr adoration chapel I could go to. Then it dawned on me- today was the first Friday of the month! Adoration! At my church! And it ended at noon. It was 11 a.m. when I realized this- so off I zipped to church. I walked in and saw the beautiful Monstrance and there HE was. I knelt and prayed , when in the back of my head I heard "Listen" stop praying and asking- just sit in the quiet and LISTEN. Oh, how beautiful it is to hear God speak. He spoke to me like I have never heard before- his words were beautiful and calming and so loving. He reassured me I was pleasing him and is with me always. I felt the most overwhelming feeling of love like I have never felt before. He whispered to me that he was happy with me, that I was too hard on myself and he is pleased with all my efforts. I heard Him and felt Him. I stayed with Him as long as I could but knew I had to get back to work.

When I returned to work, it was amazing. I was back to my old happy, outgoing, over-spoken self again. I felt such happiness. All the dark clouds had been lifted. The anxiety and worry and dread that I had felt just a couple hours earlier were gone. The Holy Spirit was with me and in me!

Later that night I received the best blessing ever- In my dreams I spoke to my dad for what seemed like all night long. The dream was like a phone call. I heard his voice as clear as if he were with me. It was his healthy, happy voice. He told me loved me, he told me he was happier than he could ever imagine he could have been. He reassured me he was with me always, always praying for me and with me. I was so happy to talk to him. All I could keep telling him was that I missed him so much and how much I loved him. He told me he already knew how much. In my dream I kept telling him to hold on, I wanted to go get the girls and let them speak to him too. He told me "No, no,.. just tell them I love them and am with them always. I am praying for you all and pray with you". When I woke up, I realized that God had given me the best gift I could have ever imagined. I could not have wished, or prayed for a better blessing. No amount of money or good fortune in the world could have come near to having the gift I was given in my dream. I know beyond doubt, that it wasn't just a dream. I know it was God giving me a great and awesome blessing- my dad, for just a little while.

His blessings are there for the asking. There is nothing that God can't or won't give to us. His greatest pleasure is to give to His children. Sometimes what we ask for, isn't for our benefit, so he tells us no. We have to accept his answers just like a child has to accept an answer from a parent. Some things are not meant for us. But if what we ask for is a benefit for our soul, He gives!