Ten Thousand Reasons...

There really is not a number of reasons I believe, because it is infinite.

  Every breath that I take, I give You thanks. Every bird, tree, flower and cloud I see, I give You thanks.  For every breath that my daughters take, I give You thanks.  For the immeasurable gifts I take for granted every day, I give You thanks. 

  Sometimes the blessings God gives me are so astounding I want to tell everyone.  Maybe to an unbeliever it wouldn’t seem like much, but for people like me, that KNOWS God is listening, the things He does has to be noted.  I’ve been saying to myself and intending on writing all these wonderful things, but I never seem to make the time to sit down and write. It is such good therapy to do this.  I’ve gone back to older blogs/journaling that I have done in the past and still think “Wow, God has been so good to me my whole life!” 

            I try hard these days to not worry about circumstances in my life.  I am intelligent enough and enlightened enough to know that worry gets me nowhere, well- it does, and it makes everything worse for the day of worry.  So, circumstances of a single mom are not always easy.  Money is tight, always has been, but God always seems to bring me through amazingly.  Not just a couple of times has He done this, but ALL the time.  The past couple of weeks have been one of those times.  Praying for God to make a way so that phones are able to stay on, water kept on, food on the table (or at least the fridge since I haven’t been cooking that much).  Praying and being assured that everything will be alright, it always is.  I read what Jesus tells me about worry -   Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

            Worry makes me a different person.  A person I do not like, so I can just imagine how loveable I am to everyone else.   I am grouchy when I am worried and stressed and I take it out on the people I love the most, my girls.  Why is it so easy to lash out at our family when the problems we are having are within ourselves?  I need much help with that.  Thank goodness my girls are as forgiving as they are.  They know when I am stressed.

THANK GOD FOR WINN DIXIE

Today we are spending the day with family. We are having a cookout and I volunteered to make a dish.  But wait, how can I make a dish with an empty wallet, pantry and bank account?  It really isn’t usually this bad, but this week- it is.  Well, thank goodness Lauren borrowed money from me last week and paid me back last night. (Why do I feel so guilty taking money from my girls, even if it is owed?)  But thank goodness she did.  I got up early, went to daily Mass, gave all my worries to God and joyfully went on about my morning.  I went to Winn Dixie to get the ingredients for my dish and YAY!!!  Specials at Winn Dixie!  Thank God for Winn Dixie!  Currently we really are completely out of shampoo, laundry detergent, and deodorant down to shavings.  I walk in and there is those magical specials Winn Dixie has- buy these 2 items and get ALL this for free. Not only was there one special like this, but they had TWO!  All the things I needed to get by for a few more days.  Buy a shampoo and conditioner and get deodorant, toothpaste, soap and cotton balls free.  YAYYY !!!  I turn around and there is another stand of products with the big promo to buy laundry detergent and get fabric softener, fabric sheets, bleach and paper towels for free!  DOUBLE YAYY!!  Instantly I knew God had helped me.  I was able to get all the things we needed and the ingredients to make my dish and still have money left for the gas that is also needed for my car this week.  Yes, God provides.  He has provided again.  I owe Him big time again!

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Luke 12:25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

ANSWERED PRAYER- GOD AND A JOB

                I have so many instances lately of God directing my life and providing for me beyond anything I could do on my own.  Even my job I have now.  I know it came from Him.  I do not know why he wanted me to have this particular job but I don’t question, I just move.  I move to where he moves me. 

                My previous job, which I loved so very much, was becoming more and more stressful as it was growing larger and larger.  The doctors had brought in a new office manager and things had changed.  I found myself not loving my job as I did previously.  Things were happening there that I was not comfortable with.  I can try to explain but it still couldn’t be understood what I was feeling inside about the changes going on.  Like I always do when I’m worried and stressed, I gave all the worry about my job to God and trusted he would take care of me.  In brief, one day office manager embarrassed me above and beyond anything remotely professional in front of my co-workers and patients.  Without saying what it was, just know that it was wrong.  I stood there after this embarrassing exchange with my mouth dropped open in shock.  My co-workers were dumbfounded and patients who witnessed it also.  I felt a wind-like push in my veins at that very moment and knew it was time to go.  I had never ever walked out of a job before, but I did on that day.  I felt an overwhelming sense of peace that I was doing the right thing.  Off I went.  Then the shock of what I did had just set in- Uh oh!  What did I just do?  I don’t have a job, I don’t have insurance, I don’t have 401-K, I don’t have 50 percent off products!  I have a family, a mortgage, a car, blah blah blah… and NO INCOME now.  Tears set in, then worry, then anger.  What is so strange is all those feelings didn’t last long at all.  I started praying and there came that overwhelming sense of peace that I had been so much experiencing recently.  I felt God whisper in my ear- “It is all going to be okay. It is all going to be better.  I have better things in store for you.”  I really heard this, and I really trusted this.  I spent the next few days being mom.   I got a lot of things done around the house. I was able to focus more time prayer time.  I had been going to daily Mass over the past year and have tried very hard not to miss.  It really is life changing to be able to receive Jesus every day.  Daily Mass is the center of my life.  During Pentecost, the church I am attending had 48 hours of Perpetual Adoration every Friday (starting at midnight) until the following Saturday. I had signed up for 5 a.m. every Friday morning.  I looked forward to this hour with Jesus.  There are no words to describe what goes on during this hour.  The outpouring of Love that I experienced from our Lord is beyond comprehension.   This is something that needs to be experienced to understand.   Well, one morning I am finishing up my hour in the chapel and am walking down the aisle to leave and I see our Priest sitting on the back row dressed in his robes before Mass.  He looks at me and says in his Irish brogue “Karen, what are you doing for the past week that you are not in your scrubs anymore?”  I told him I was kind of between jobs right now. He asked what it is that I do and I explained to him.  He then looks at me and says “Do you know Dr. M__?”  I told him no, I didn’t know him but had heard of him.  He said, “Sure you do, he’s in Mass every morning with you” I told him I still didn’t know who he was.  He then told me that the doctor had told him last night he was looking to hire a nurse  and asked if he could introduce me after Mass.  Well, he did and I went on an interview with his office manager that day and was hired that day.  So, if finding out about a job from your most loved priest in the back of the Adoration chapel in the presence of Jesus isn’t a sign that I needed to take this job then there wasn’t a job out there for me.  Again- GOD IS SO GOOD!  I love my job, I love my doctor.  I work with the nicest girls anyone could want to work with.  The patients are wonderful.  I know God wants me here.  I know I am not changing the world in a big way but I hope I am at least changing my part of the world.  Apparently this is where God wants me and I am happy. 

Some Favorite Quotes

Our Savior says, if you have not received the graces that you desire, do not complain to me, but blame yourself, because you have neglected to seek them from me.
-- St. Alphonsus Liguori


The first step to be taken by one who wishes to follow Christ is, according to Our Lord's own words, that of renouncing himself - that is, his own senses, his own passions, his own will, his own judgment, and all the movements of nature, making to God a sacrifice of all these things, and of all their acts, which are surely sacrifices very acceptable to the Lord. And we must never grow weary of this; for if anyone having, so to speak, one foot already in Heaven, should abandon this exercise, when the time should come for him to put the other there, he would run much risk of being lost.
~St. Vincent de Paul

Do not ask for more crosses until you have borne well those already given you.  ~Unknown

When you come to know God, the initiative lies on His side. If He does not show Himself, nothing you can do will enable you to find Him. And, in fact, He shows much more of Himself to some people than to others -- not because He has favourites, but because it is impossible for Him to show Himself to a man whose whole mind and character are in the wrong condition. Just as sunlight, though it has no favourites, cannot be reflected in a dusty mirror as clearly as in a clean one. ~ C.S. Lewis

Inordinate love for the flesh is cruelty, because under the appearance of pleasing the body, we kill the soul.
-- St. Bernard of Clairvaux

Faith is seeing God's providence when He says yes and seeing His love when He says no.  You see, it takes a lot of love on the part of God to say no to you.  Why? Because He risks your love.  He risks your faith in Him.  He risks your hope in Him.  If you are asking for something and it isn't for your good, His love will say no.  But if you are asking for something that will bring about good, His providence moves events in your favor, and the Lord allows it. ~Mother Angelica

Things

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 72 years old. It has been almost a year since he passed. Wow! I am just realizing that it's been that long. It has been a rough year and a beautiful year.




For my dad's birthday, I was given a gift. But I have to start way before the gift, so as to understand and appreciate the gift I got.



As I wrote about earlier, I have been experiencing the most wonderful "RE- awakening" in my spiritual life. I am a work in progress and the Holy Spirit is working hard in me to help. I am trying to learn what is "God's Will" in my life. I have figured out the big things that I needed to change and I have done that. It has not been easy, but I am doing it. Now, for all the "little" things- which I have found out- are the toughest ones to conquer. All the bad habits I have that are in the truest sense- BAD HABITS. And oh so hard to break! But I have been given so many "God Winks" in the past few weeks that I am finding myself more and more aware of when I am committing these "bad habits". (Oh- and I want to talk about "God Winks" later) I have found it easier to keep my senses in tact by keeping my rosary in my pocket. When I feel I am falling into the habit, somehow my hand finds it's way in my pocket and TA DA! My rosary. It's my little whisper in my ear from our own Blessed Mother reminding me to think before I speak. It is my own personal blood pressure medicine. I can just hold my rosary and feel myself calm down. My rosary that I carry is a gift from my dad that he made for me for Christmas two years ago. The beads are red ruby hearts (my birthstone). He had the crucifix engraved "To Karen, Love Dad". It is my most treasured gift from him. Anyway, back to God's will in my life. A couple of days ago, I was at work and going about my business that I always do and I'm sorry to say, the devil showed up to gossip about a co-worker. I am nosy by nature and it is one of the hardest habits of mine to break. So, what do I do? I fall into the devils trap. I have to know who, what, why, when etc... Well, in a nutshell, by the end of the conversation, I was convinced that my co-worker was out to sabotage me and my job. I became so angry, and that quick saw her in a completely different light. Previous to the devil showing up, I was so excited for my new co-worker and how great she was doing. But, the devil told me she was trying to out-do me. That she had ulterior motives and she was the new "all that" girl. I was not happy. My mood and disposition changed so fast and so strong in such a short time. I knew it was wrong to feel the way I was doing but I couldn't shake it off. The whole day at work was awful. I looked at everyone as if they all had some kind of secret, and I was being pushed out. I was miserable. I came home from work that day and continued by bad attitude even further. I came in the house to all three of the girls lying around in the living room and could see that they had not done any of their jobs that they are suppose to have done before I get home. So I commence to yelling. Didn't even say hello to them, just all out yelling about what they had not done all day. I went into my room and shut myself in. I was swallowed up in a bad bad mood. I started praying for God to please help me to get this nastiness out of me. I knew it was wrong and my bad mood was just made worse by the realization that I had let God down. I went from being in a bad mood to being totally depressed. I was so ashamed of how easy I went to the other side. I took a long hot bath and tried to relax. K.E. came to me and asked if she could spend the night with one of her friends, which of course- I said yes. I felt bad for being so tyrannical earlier. After relaxing and sitting down to my computer. I pulled up my Facebook and noticed several comments on K.E.’s status from people in my family. I pulled up her status and it went something like this.."life is full of too many disappointments..." or something like that. I saw where my brother and sister had posted on her wall some uplifting things to help get her out of her funk. I asked L.N. what was wrong with K. E., and she said that her boyfriend had broken up with her earlier today. My heart dropped. I am the most awful parent in the whole world. K.E. was going through this terrible thing today and the first thing I do is come in the door and scream at her. I picked up the phone and texted her how sorry I was and that I didn't know. I told her that if I had known, I would have held off on the grouchy fit for at least a couple of hours. She told me it was okay and that she was okay.



I went to bed that night with all this bad stuff on my heart. I picked up my old standards that stay stacked up next to my bad and on my nightstand. The first book I picked up was my C. S. Lewis book of meditations and readings. I opened the book and Jesus sat down and had a talk with me. The page I opened up to was "Pride" from "Mere Christianity" and my oh my was I jolted to what I was told. The following is from what I read:

"In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that—and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison —you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you"


That raises a terrible question. How is it that people who are quite obviously eaten up with Pride can say they believe in God and appear to themselves very religious? I am afraid it means they are worshiping an imaginary God. They theoretically admit themselves to be nothing in the presence of this phantom God, but are really all the time imagining how He approves of them and thinks them far better than ordinary people: that is , they pay a pennyworth of imaginary humility to Him and get out of it a pound’s worth of Pride towards their fellow-men. I suppose it was of those people Christ was thinking when He said that some would preach about Him and cast out devils in His name, only to be told at the end of the world that He had never known them. And any of us may at any moment be in this death-trap.


Luckily, we have a test. Whenever we find that our religious life is making us feel that we are good —above all, that we are better than someone else — I think we can be sure that we are being acted on, not by God, but by the devil. The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether.


(and here comes my gut punch)

"It is a terrible thing that the worst of all the vices can smuggle itself into the very centre of our religious life. But you can see why. The other, and less bad, vices come from the devil working on us through our animal nature. But this does not come through our animal nature. It comes directly from Hell. It is purely spiritual: consequently it is far more subtle and deadly. For the same reason, Pride can often be used to beat down the simpler vices. Teachers, in fact, often appeal to a boy’s Pride, or, as they call it, his self-respect, to make him behave decently: many a man has overcome cowardice, or lust, or ill-temper by learning to think that they are beneath his dignity – that is, by Pride. The devil laughs. He is perfectly content to see you becoming chase and brave and self-controlled provided, all the time, he is setting up in you the Dictatorship of Pride – just as he would be quite content to see your chilblains cured if he was allowed, in return to give you cancer. For Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense."

And there it is. Jesus Christ spoke to me as clearly as if he had sat down across the table from me to have a one on one. A gift of the Holy Spirit, a blessing had been given to me. UNDERSTANDING when I needed it on the day I needed it. I got it! I heard it!

I went to bed asking God to please forgive me and help lift all of this off of me. When I got up in the morning, there it still was- the dark cloud- still hanging over me. Even after God spoke to me last night. I felt even worse because I couldn't get myself out of all the darkness. All morning, while working, I continued praying. If only I could put this all at the foot of the cross and leave it there. I sat at my desk wishing I knew of a 24 hr adoration chapel I could go to. Then it dawned on me- today was the first Friday of the month! Adoration! At my church! And it ended at noon. It was 11 a.m. when I realized this- so off I zipped to church. I walked in and saw the beautiful Monstrance and there HE was. I knelt and prayed , when in the back of my head I heard "Listen" stop praying and asking- just sit in the quiet and LISTEN. Oh, how beautiful it is to hear God speak. He spoke to me like I have never heard before- his words were beautiful and calming and so loving. He reassured me I was pleasing him and is with me always. I felt the most overwhelming feeling of love like I have never felt before. He whispered to me that he was happy with me, that I was too hard on myself and he is pleased with all my efforts. I heard Him and felt Him. I stayed with Him as long as I could but knew I had to get back to work.

When I returned to work, it was amazing. I was back to my old happy, outgoing, over-spoken self again. I felt such happiness. All the dark clouds had been lifted. The anxiety and worry and dread that I had felt just a couple hours earlier were gone. The Holy Spirit was with me and in me!

Later that night I received the best blessing ever- In my dreams I spoke to my dad for what seemed like all night long. The dream was like a phone call. I heard his voice as clear as if he were with me. It was his healthy, happy voice. He told me loved me, he told me he was happier than he could ever imagine he could have been. He reassured me he was with me always, always praying for me and with me. I was so happy to talk to him. All I could keep telling him was that I missed him so much and how much I loved him. He told me he already knew how much. In my dream I kept telling him to hold on, I wanted to go get the girls and let them speak to him too. He told me "No, no,.. just tell them I love them and am with them always. I am praying for you all and pray with you". When I woke up, I realized that God had given me the best gift I could have ever imagined. I could not have wished, or prayed for a better blessing. No amount of money or good fortune in the world could have come near to having the gift I was given in my dream. I know beyond doubt, that it wasn't just a dream. I know it was God giving me a great and awesome blessing- my dad, for just a little while.

His blessings are there for the asking. There is nothing that God can't or won't give to us. His greatest pleasure is to give to His children. Sometimes what we ask for, isn't for our benefit, so he tells us no. We have to accept his answers just like a child has to accept an answer from a parent. Some things are not meant for us. But if what we ask for is a benefit for our soul, He gives!

It Is Never Too Late to Answer the Call

It is NEVER too late to answer the Call ~ I have Jesus to guide me, The Holy Spirit to fill me, the Gospel to speak to me, The Holy Eucharist to draw me nearer, and the Rosary to strengthen me with Our Blessed Mother guiding me along the way.

The above first sentence spoke to me today. I am just amazed how God speaks to me over and over during the day. He sends me messages, speaks to me and I see him in so many people. I am so blessed- beyond comprehension. I am so excited to see where God is sending me or what he is sending to me. I pray every chance I can that I don't disappoint Him. I am so afraid of failing Him. I pray for the Holy Spirit to guide me.
Jesus is speaking to me again, and reminding me that the way of this life, the culture of this world, is not His way. I was finding it easier and easier to justify the sins because the whole world seems to be doing the same. That there were bigger sins we are committing than the obvious ones I was. What a sinner! There are no changing God's laws. God is not going to bend to accommodate our lifestyle. We are to bend to His way and He will bless us abundantly. We are to have faith in His laws. If we live in His holy will, he will carry us and strengthen us in all that we do.

In the past few years I have felt more and more distant from God. I prayed everyday, and attended weekly Mass, but without being able to participate fully. Because of my disconnect, I had lost my intimate connection with Jesus, he felt distant to me. I always knew He was with me and still carrying me- but I had lost the graces He had poured on me in the past. The greatest sadness I have ever known was losing that grace. Once anyone has had that kind of a connection to God, to be so filled with His grace for such a long time and then to lose it. There is NO GREATER LOSS. I never thought I would be too weak, never thought I could be such a sinner as to lose touch with Him. Satan is so strong. Do not ever under estimate the strength of the evil one. He knows our weaknesses and he dives in. But God is greater! Sometimes we fall, but with prayer and intercession of our great saints and loved ones, God shows us the way home. He stretches out His hand and begs us to take it. Telling us it will be hard, but beautiful and He will never leave us. I have grabbed His hands with my whole life and He is lifting me out of my abyss. I have had to make changes in my life that are not easy- or so it seems. God is with me and holding me strong in my decisions. And I will repeat, I am so afraid of failing again. I finally understand what my own sister has repeated to me over and over with her own life decisions. Her greatest fear was losing touch with God and falling again. Our circumstances are completely different but so much the same.

Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.

Body of Christ, heal me.

Blood of Christ, drench me.

Water from the side of Christ, wash me.

Passion of Christ, strengthen me.

Good Jesus, hear me.

In Your wounds shelter me.

From turning away keep me.

From the evil one protect me.

At the hour of my death call me.

Into Your presence lead me,

to praise You with all Your saints

for ever and ever. Amen.